Currently, I am enjoying a much-needed break from social media. My phone (and iPad) are on airplane mode. I am accepting no phone calls. There was no way, however, that I could not find some way to unload all of these thoughts in my head. So, the figurative dust is being blown off my blog. The cobwebs are being swept and I find myself here like I am creeping around a decrepit mansion in a survivor horror game (that I certainly would never play. Don’t y’all know me by now?).
When I took my hiatus from all things geek back in June of 2016, there was no clear picture of my life without it. I was burned out from the constant drama of the cosplay community. I was exhausted from trying to build a “personal brand”. I had been doing great things, of course. Press and panel at C2E2. Panel at PAX East (that I was unable to attend, but I put together which is still incredible). I still feel like I am doing great things, but it just looks different then it used to. I am not entirely sure how to feel about that.
So, here is my life update as the boring title says. Since I am feeling particularly down, I felt I needed to just find a space to write in.
When my geek hiatus started in June 2016, I started a journey to become an educator. This has been one of the hardest things that I have done in my life so far. I officially became a teacher in November 2016 and I am still currently doing that. This is what I mean by my life is so different then it previously was. A teacher? I never would have thought about it. But after that cosplay drama in May 2016, I just could not see myself trying to be apart of something in what had become such a meaningless field (to me). I put so much weight into cosplay for so long. I put so much time and effort building communities and safe spaces to only have those spaces become unsafe for me. It was a gut punch lesson that drove me into finding a career that needed no explanation when telling someone what I did for a living.
However, I have so much self-doubt in education. It is hard. No one – no one – can understand how hard this really is if having not done it. My short career in education has also taken so many sudden turns already. The money that I still need to pull out for professional development is astounding. In an effort to not give away too much about what I am doing and how I am feeling, I will say this: being an educator is exceptionally rewarding and there is a sense of pride felt for being in the lives of so many teenagers. However, being an educator is exceptionally exhausting and the rewarding feeling wears off at the first bell – for me. Whatever pride I feel in the lessons I have created dissipates at the blank faces that stare back to me, the sleeping teenager in the front row or the side bar conversations being held (loudly, mind you) as I lecture.
Let’s switch gears, shall we.
I met a guy.
A wonderful guy.
My boyfriend and I met on Tinder in November 2017, almost a year to the day that I started teaching. Our first date, the date I perceive to be our anniversary, was December 16, 2017 to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I was absolutely smitten with him from the get go. He radiated confidence, intellect, and maturity that I had not come across while dating in my 20s. He was caring and affectionate. He was very, very thoughtful such as planning a super cute scavenger hunt on Valentine’s Day. I moved in with him in June 2018 meaning I added an hour on to my commute (which does not help the self doubt when it comes to my career).
Relationships are hard. I would not be at all lying if I did not express how this is the most serious relationship I have had in my adult life. My last serious relationship, nearly ten years ago, was in my late teenage/early 20s. I was hardly an “adult” and it was not “hard” because there were few responsibilities. There was a failed engagement, but I care so little about that now knowing that the marriage would have been a mistake. In this current relationship, I feel like I am working towards something incredible, but that makes it hard. Self-doubt looms here, too.
I want whatever I am working towards – in both my career and my relationship – to just happen, ya know. I am tired of the waiting process that occurs when you are working. I want to be happy in my career. I want to be achieving something with it. I want to be married. I want children. These are just constant thoughts that nag at me daily.
On top of that, I am in grad school for the umpteenth time (and taking a hard theory course). I am a twitter social media intern for Mugglenet.com (something that I wanted for so long but is also hard). I am a cat mom (hard) and an auntie yet again (hard to juggle loving these babies and my life). I am researching my novel (SO HARD). I long to cosplay again.
But, it would not be life if it was not difficult or hard or frustrating or exhausting. It would not be life if you did not throw yourself into things meaningful to you. I am having a moment where I am focusing on the things in all aspects of my life that can tear me apart while I should be focusing on what keeps me together. Thats just it, though. This is just a moment. There will come a time when I am balanced and, suddenly, I will be off balance again. That is how this crazy thing called life is.
It is ok for me to not be perfect, but it is not ok for me to give up.